Lost

Untitled designAs a lifelong lover of all things Disney the minute I decided to write this post an image of the undefinable creature from Disney’s Lilo and Stitch inserted itself into my mind. First, because viewing this film was the pivotal moment when I realized I had become my mother and was incapable of making it through any movie (even a Disney movie) without crying. And second, because I can relate to his sensation of being completely and utterly lost.

I feel you my friend. I feel you.

Since well before puberty I have known many things about myself that I have only recently started communicating to others.

–          I want to sing on Broadway

–          I want to do voices overs for animated films (preferable Disney)

–          I want to be creative…in any way possible

–          I want to Love what I do

The current steps I have taken to checking off items on that list… none..zero…zilch.

The overwhelming fear of failing, of making people aware that I am attempting to pursue any of these passions has stopped me from even crossing the starting line for many many years. As one who is guilty of judging others (“why is she on Broadway? Her voice doesn’t seem that outstanding?”….. can you say jealous?) I have already judged myself countless times over before even making one attempt at carving my own path.

I graduated college with two majors… fashion merchandising and accounting. Knowing it would lead me to more money in the near future I pursued the latter as a career, got a job with a big 4 accounting firm and got my CPA (certified public accountant). Already my resume was looking good…no… great! About 3 months into my job with the big 4 firm I acknowledge something I already knew about myself before accepting the position…I didn’t want to be a CPA.

Four years later I am still in the same field and have moved on to a smaller firm on the shores of Lake Tahoe. While I am still acutely aware of the acknowledgement I made over three years ago, I like my current job. I do. I like the respect I get from individuals several years older than I and many years further along in their career. I like working with our many clients, building strong relationships, overseeing others and the many other responsibilities and challenges that come along with running an audit department. But (yes I started my sentence with but). But… I don’t LOVE it.

While I know that not everyone will ever love their career, I know that I am competent of carving a career path for myself that I am capable of loving with my whole soul. I say that not with the intent of being arrogant or boastful, but with a sense of knowing that I am a confident and intelligent woman who is capable of doing anything (or at least many things) I put my heart into. I have been blessed with friends and family who will always support me and god (or whomever it was) gave me the brains and ability to succeed at more than just a career in the accounting world.

This post is a devotion to being found. To eliminating the number of times I am driving in my car on the verge of a panic attack because I have yet to try out for a local play, or musical or take a painting class or pottery class or the most daunting of all … an improv class.

While I intend on continuing with my current career in the near future. I need to devote more time outside of work laying the pavement for my next path. No more looking around and feeling lost. It’s time to purchase myself a compass, learn how to use it, and lead the shit out of my life! Come on Stitch, we’ve got some hiking to do.

-Kendall

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